


'Sup, Fellow Teens!

by apostatively



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Ardyn vs. Millennials, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 03:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10505760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apostatively/pseuds/apostatively
Summary: Based on a kinkmeme prompt: "Ardyn pretends to be Noct to get info out of/lead astray/etc the Chocobros. Except Ardyn is thousands of years old and doesn't know how to talk like a 20 y/o slacker. He's too verbose, he uses old slang people haven't used in centuries, he smiles too much, he guesses their romantic attachments wrong..."





	

“Good morning, my steadfast companions!”

Prompto scrubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked up at Noctis as he climbed the hill to the haven their campsite occupied. The sunrise backlit his small, dark form as he waved at Prompto and Ignis. There was a swagger in his step that could only be described as…

...jaunty.

Hm.

“Good morning, Noct,” Ignis called lightly without looking up from the hot plate and his eggs. “Where’s Gladio?”

“I’m afraid I’ve rather outstripped him this morning, my dear Ignis. But rest assured, Gladiolus will be along presently. My - what is that utterly delightful aroma?”

Prompto raised an eyebrow as Noct strode purposely over to Ignis’ setup. “Dude. It’s eggs. We’ve had it every morning for like, a week. And don’t change the subject - how did you pass Gladio? You didn’t just warp again, did you?”

“If Gladio sulks in the car all morning, we’ll know for certain,” Ignis said. 

Noct leaned around him, breathing deeply the aroma from his pan. “How utterly ambrosial.”

“Keep your distance until you’ve washed up, Noct.”

“Hey, you’re not sweaty at all! You totally warped past Gladio. And did you hit your head on a tree or something? You’re talking really weird right now,” Prompto frowned.

Noct actually tsk’ed at him as he reached into the bowl of eggs. Tsk’ed! “Why all the accusations, chaps? Surely it can’t be so surprising that I should best our monolithic friend in a feat of pure agilit--aagh!” Ignis seized a spray bottle from beneath the countertop and spritzed Noct repeatedly and severely. Noct recoiled from the streams, hissing viciously, and turned to sprint haphazardly into the underbrush, disappearing in a crashing of leaves.

Prompto eased his hand off the safety of his pistol. “Ardyn?”

“‘Monolithic’ was the word of the day,” Ignis nodded. He dumped the eggs Ardyn had been fussing at onto a plate, set it on the ground, and whistled: Umbra materialized from seemingly nowhere (or everywhere?) and sat, sharp and on point and wagging furiously before the eggs, until Ignis authorized him to “Go ahead,” and the dog buried his face in the plate with grateful enthusiasm. Ignis put a new pan on the hot plate.

*** 

Cindy had just departed to tally up their bill for repairs to the Regalia when Noct approached in her wake. Ignis had just settled in behind the wheel, and Prompto and Gladio were wrestling over a magazine they’d found in the service station that reviewed the newest romantic drivel they were both reading. “We’re running a bit behind,” Ignis said. “When Cindy returns with the check we’ll be on our way.”

“You sure we should try to make it all the way to the Slough tonight?” Prompto gave up on the now-wrinkled magazine to pull puppy dog eyes at Ignis. “It’s almost 1800, y’know. Not a lot of time before the daemons’ll be coming out.”

“It’s Noct’s decision. We should just be able to reach a haven if we-”

“I’ve a better idea, fellows!” Noct said, leaning on the side of the Regalia and managing to look somehow bonelessly casual and brittle with nerves at the same time. “What if we took a slight detour? I’ve just overheard a couple of hunters discussing an intriguing ruin called ‘Costlemark Tower’. They described it as utterly abandoned, and full of treasure! I’ve a notion to investigate.” Noct’s smile was wide, manic and intent the way it usually only came over when he knew they were nearing a fishing hole.

It got Prompto’s attention though. “Treasure? Like, how much treasure?”

“Not so worried about the daemons now?” Gladio snorted from behind his magazine.

Noct cocked his head in a way that seemed a contrivance at playfulness and just made him look possessed. “Now Gladio, I wouldn’t have envisioned you as the type to shy away from a little danger. Why, as the voice of our generation, Kenny Crow, once said--”

Ignis stepped on the gas. 

The tires squealed and left dark stripes on the asphalt as they peeled out of Hammerhead. Ignis caught a glimpse in the rearview mirror of the figure of Noctis sprawled on his belly on the asphalt, dark red scrapes smeared over his face as he grew smaller and smaller down the road behind them. 

“I can’t believe he played the treasure card.” Prompto sighed dramatically, releasing his death grip on the back of the seat. “Every time! Every….time.”

“I’d be lying if I didn’t say that was rather satisfying,” Ignis grinned.

Gladio turned a page of the magazine. “You guys know we’ve gotta go back and get the real Noct, right?”

~

They circled the square mile road around Hammerhead before doubling back to the pit stop. The sun had begun to set over the mountains, and Cindy was waiting for them in the parking lot with Noct - unscraped, pouting, and wearing a really terrible gift shop t-shirt with a purple hammerhead shark on it - and a shotgun in her hands.

“Now I knew y’all boys weren’t gonna skip out on yer bill,” Cindy said, shrugging, “But Paw-paw has a policy on folks who take off without paying, and prince or no prince, I had to go’n get the shotgun. That’ll be four-thousand gil, by the way.” She raised the gun towards the sky and cocked it one-handed.

“Seriously, guys?” Noct said over an armful of Ebony and cup noodles. “Like, seriously?”

***

Prompto was finishing up with scrubbing the last of the dishes from dinner over their makeshift ‘sink’, technically a bucket of suds, when he felt wiry arms circling his waist. Noctis hooked his chin over Prompto’s shoulder and kissed his cheek.

And his skin was like, twenty degrees too cold.

Prompto struggled to keep his cool. “H-hey, you scared me!” he laughed, trying to disguise the panic. Defintely not Noct. Super, extra, totally not Noct holding him, pressed against his back. Yikes. “I thought you were gonna turn in.”

“I went for a walk. Needed some time to...think about things. About us,” not-Noct said gravely. “I can’t stand it anymore, Prompto. I shan’t marry Lunafreya. Forget about Gladiolus and run away with me. We can go tonight, they’ll never know until it’s too late. The Regalia is right over there, we could go anywhere together. Just you and I…”

Okay. This was pretty great, actually. He could totally do this.

Prompto turned in his arms. “But Noct,” he gasped, “Gladiolus and Ignis would surely find us! You have your royal duty…” Heh. ‘Duty’. “...And Gladiolus is _mad_ for me. ‘Cause, you know, I’m just too hot. He would surely challenge you for my honor....and then perish before your obvious might! And our love should be forever tainted!” He swooned a little, and let his foot pop just for kicks.

Ardyn totally took the bait, and only the realization that he might actually die if he laughed saved Prompto from sheer hysterics. “I don’t care about them, Prompto. You’re the only one I want...the only one I’ve ever wanted! Come away with me now - the Regalia is parked just over there, I already checked the field, definitely no daemons there, we’ll be fine - and I found something for you while I was out walking.” ‘Noct’ drew a silvery, delicate rose out of his cargo pocket and offered it to him.

Prompto blinked. “Cool. It’s holographic.”

“Holo...what?” Noct’s brow creased in frustration. “This is a Duscaen Rose, it only blossoms under a quarter-moon once every seventy years. Do you even know what this means?”

“Um...you dumped a bunch of glitter on a flower?”

“This is the single most romantic blossom to be found, you juvenile--in the language of flowers it means ‘perfect felicity’, a bond between soulmates. You should be naked halfway across that damn field right now, do you people seriously not know that flowers are supposed to mean something any mo-” ‘Noct’ froze mid-rant as Prompto shoved a discreetly-prepped pistol under his chin.

Prompto smirked. “Got something for you too, babe.”

“What’s going on out here?” Noct - the real Noct, probably, Prompto seriously had zero idea at this point - shoved open the tent flap, sword already in hand, Gladio at his back, and Ignis yanking his shirt back on behind them. There was a rush of pressure releasing in the air around him, and when Prompto looked back, Ardyn had vanished.

Noct’s eyes were wide behind the scruff of his bangs. “What...the fuck...was that.”

“Please tell me you didn’t just make it to second base with the chancellor,” Gladio said. “You gotta tell me that. Please.”

Prompto tucked his gun away and shrugged. “Nah. He didn’t have a condom.”

Gladio snorted. “Nice. Looks like abstinence really was the best protect--ow! Iggy, come on, I’m kidding!” He yelped as Ignis elbowed him. 

Later, in the middle of the tangle of his lovers in the dark of the tent, Prompto started giggling. “Guys - hey, are you awake? Hey...I almost just got de-flowered.”

“Go to sleep, Prom,” Noct groaned from the vicinity of his collarbone, and Prompto grinned as Ignis took a half-hearted swat at his rump and Gladio whispered “Good one,” in his ear.

Everyone present and accounted for.

**Author's Note:**

> Reason #32 why it's clearly imperative for Noct to equip a super-soaker in his armiger.


End file.
